Become The Other. Go From There.

A Powerful Lesson in Perspective Taking

“Become the other. Go from there.”

As a slogan, it seems almost too crafted. It reads like a billboard for the latest VR experience. Maybe it’s a new motto for the metaverse. Yet as I tool for improving your relationships, it’s a lifesaver.

I know because it’s been one of the most valuable ways for me to leave my selfish reality bubble and see “me” from other people’s perspectives (my wife’s in particular).

“Becoming The Other” is a clarion call for empathy and perspective-taking that opens new ways of seeing ourselves.

The interesting part is how this practice has affected my own perception of self. The way I’ve been practicing, I imagine a scene in which I’m relating to another person. I first see it play out from a third-person perspective as if watching the whole thing on a movie screen. Then I try to jump into the other person’s shoes and play out the scene again. From this perspective, I am now “the other.”

Seeing myself as the other, I’m noticing new features of my presence and personality. I see my selfishness and subtle superiority. I see my veiled under-the-breath comments and my peaceful positivity that borders on pollyannish naivete. I see Jeff as a sometimes fragile, sometimes strong guy who vacillates between owning his greatness and cowering in the corner.

What I’ve Gained By “Becoming The Other” Meditation

“Becoming The Other” has been an incredibly powerful practice for me. Each time I engage with it, something deepens in me. I go, “Ahh, yes. Now I see. I feel what you mean.”

My body softens and opens as I imagine Jeff so innocently trying his best to please everyone, yet not realizing that he need not try so hard. My body constricts and withdraws as I imagine Jeff’s predictably preoccupied patterns completely missing bids for real connection.

While I recognize these are merely machinations of my mind and assumptions of how I am perceived by others, they are useful data in the quest for self-understanding. The move beyond mere imagining to actually feeling the impact in my body helps crystalize the wisdom that is present.

Whenever I finish the meditation, I can’t help but feel like I’ve seen and felt myself more clearly. The logical next move is to treat myself and the person I was inhabiting with more kindness and empathy.

All these revelations from a “looking glass self” unblind me from the tyranny of my first-person perspective. It sometimes shows me that I’m not who I think I am. More importantly, it shows me that I’m not who I can be.

It reveals what I most often forget: that I have choice to become more than default.

Note: Where did this practice come from?

I first heard about “Becoming the other” from Ginny Whitelaw who was speaking about her new book Resonate: Zen and the Way of Making a Difference. It was one of those, “Damn, that’s so profound,” moments. Something about it stuck with me. So I played with it and tried to make it my own.

Here’s a step-by-step description of the practice.

Enjoy. Discover, and make it your own.

~ Jeff