Can I Be A Skillful Masochist?
Pursuing pain in search of gain.
We have to realize that life is a labor pain of self birthing. When the pain is something we choose to experience to help us grow it hurts far less than the meaningless pain imposed upon us by others. ~ Bernie Siegel
Sometimes I think I’m a masochist.
I do like pain. Occasionally.
Those occasions involve an activity that I think is worthwhile. The self-chosen pain of deep tissue massage, lifting heavy weights, or steep uphill treks — activities that presumably have benefits.
Do I know for sure which pain will be in gain and which pain will be in vain?
No.
This is the tricky thing about discomfort and personal development.
Too much comfort, not enough growth.
Too much growth, not enough comfort.
Everything that is a source of discomfort can also be a source of growth.
There must be a sweet spot.
How does one find it?
Perhaps it finds you?
Should I Chase Discomfort?
The hypermasculine mindset says, “Do Hard Things.”
Hard things challenge you to be your best.
Hard things help you uncover your full potential.
I agree, with a few caveats:
Can I do hard things without being hard on myself?
Can I do hard things without feeling like my self-worth is based on my performance?
Can I do hard things without them feeling hard?
Is “hard” an intrinsic factor of the event itself or a subjective experience that I create?
To further unpack this, I ask,
Does “hard” necessarily mean uncomfortable?
Does “hard” necessarily mean worthwhile?
Does “hard” presuppose superiority over “easy”?
I think this is where the toxic masculine creeps in — devaluing the “easy” precisely because it doesn’t hurt. “No pain, no gain, bro.”
There is an unconscious coupling that says:
Hard = pain = growth.
Easy = comfort = decay
I feel there’s a million-dollar question laying somewhere around here.
Ahh yes, here it is…
When to lean into what’s hard and when to lean into what’s easy?
I would call this wisdom.
Wisdom = knowing how to balance hard/easy, comfort/pain, growth/decay.
Wisdom is the understanding of polarity.
Wisdom is the embodiment of duality that transcends and includes opposites.
How Can I Be Wise With Pain?
No one needs list of painful experiences.
But self-chosen pain, that’s a little different.
Choosing to suffer seems so strangely human.
There are several patterns of pain/suffering-seeking behavior:
The pain of self-sacrifice — martyrdom
The pain of holding other’s pain — compassion
The pain of denying yourself pleasure — asceticism
The pain of confession wrongdoings — penance
The pain of pushing yourself to your edge — self-birthing.
That last one is the trickiest.
Self-birthing is such a weird term. It’s becoming more. Purposeful growth.
Or in the realm that I play in, it’s called “personal development”.
Yet personal development can become a trap: A hole of “not enoughness” that we fall into thinking there’s something wrong with us because we haven’t “developed”.
This is reinforced by all sorts of media and self-help messages that make a profit from our pursuit of growth.
One example is a small paperweight (who even uses paperweights these days?) that my mom gave me years ago.
It says, “Everything you’ve ever wanted lies outside the edge of your comfort zone.”
Alas, this damn comfort zone and the pain of leaving it seems to keep me from getting what I want.
It seems like I have two choices:
Give up wanting stuff. Set up my lazy-boy recliner smack-dab in the middle of my comfort zone and call it a day — complacency
Pursue growth at the cost of leaving my comfort zone.
Obviously, I’m going to choose #2. I’m decades away from retiring in my comfort zone.
Yet the question remains of how I can wisely engage with pain to stimulate growth without drowning in discomfort.
Turns out, I attempted to answer this question already in another piece of writing:
HOW TO UNLEASH CONTINUOUS PERSONAL GROWTH
You only know what you’re capable of by stretching yourself, and stretching yourself, and stretching yourself.
But to make your stretching sustainable, you need regular periods of resting in your comfort zone.
As you practice this cycle of stretching and recovering, you will begin to realize that feeling uncomfortable is not the same as being unsafe.
This distinction between comfort and safety is crucial because no meaningful growth can happen if you don’t first feel safe.
Knowing you’re safe allows you to stay present in your body and connected to your deeper motivation and energy, even when it is uncomfortable. It allows you to stretch into the unknown knowing you have a robust comfort zone to support you.
There’s something strange and rewarding about quoting myself.
I feel both wise (thank you previous Jeff for writing such truthful prose) and stupid (how come I’m still asking the same questions years later).
I guess the wisdom I was looking for was already inside of me (duh!)
Moreover, wisdom is less about arriving at an answer but in asking the right question, over and over and over.
So I ask, “How can I be a skillful masochist?”
Let pain be my teacher,
~ Jeff