Should I Give You A Hug?

To hug or not to hug? Examining the art of conscious embrace

I haven’t seen you in a while.

Do we go in for a hug?

What if this is the first time we’ve ever met?

Do we still hug?

What about a handshake, a covid-friendly fistbump, or the perennial standby, a wave?

To Hug Or Not To Hug?

The pre-hug moment is an interesting intersection of cultural norms, social cues, interpersonal dynamics, relational history, and bodily contact that may be one of the most under-discussed forms of intimate contact we engage in regularly.

It’s a private moment, yet also very public. It’s can have a ton of meaning or very little. Despite its ubiquity in our culture, it’s not something we ever receive explicit instruction on.

Like so many things in life, you kinda just have to feel it out. In this case, quite literally.

• Maybe there’s a precedence of hugging already established in your relationship.

• Maybe you don’t like being touched or know that they don’t like being touched.

• Maybe others in your group (if you’re with others) are going in for hugs. Refraining from a hug in this situation might seem standoffish.

This all points to the fact that hugging is highly contextual. What might appear as a half-assed hug in one situation may actually be the most vulnerable and intimate form of physical expression in another.

This is why I balk at popular articles along the lines of, “The 7 Types of Hugging And What They Mean About Your Relationship.” To quote this article:

"A side hug means you're not fully in it," says intimacy expert Julian Colker. This hug is more common in acquaintances than friends since it's more approachable and appropriate for people who aren't very close.

This can be true, but I enjoy a good side hug with people I care about. In fact, I find that many men prefer a side hug. It’s intimate without being too intimate. It’s as much of a warm embrace between two men that the legacy burden of patriarchy will allow without the risk of being construed as homosexual.

Sad but true.

Even if there are absolutely no sexual overtones, the full-on frontal hug might just feel too close for comfort.

After all, hugging is extremely vulnerable.

An unguarded front, with its vital organs, softness, and genitalia smashed up against your is kind of like barging in through the front door with all guns blazing.

Of course, there are lots of subtle ways to protect oneself from the intimacy of a full-frontal hug.

Leave one arm out of it. Slightly twist your torso to avoid heart-to-heart contact. Tuck your pelvis away to provide extra space so nothing is misconstrued to be sexual or romantic.

This becomes especially uncomfortable when your hugging partner is moving the other way on the hug-intmacy-contact continuum.

Full arm wrap. Heads close. Squeeze tight. Hold on. Breathe, maybe even rock or whisper something into each other’s ear.

Awkward.

The Challenge of Not Knowing (Asymmetric Information)

So many unconscious calculations of safety, acceptability, and intent are made in the pre-hug moment — the calculus of interpersonal dynamics is mind-boggling complex and swift.

Our bodies make decisions for us. The social cues have already primed us toward one expression or another. All this happens fast, unconsciously, without a chance to verify if my assumptions are accurate.

People rarely ask about the hug.

For instance, when was the last time you stopped to ask a person if they would like a hug rather than just going for it?

How about asking what type of hug they prefer, for how long, and at what pressure?

Never happens.

Yet one might think that moment of discussion to hammer out the details would benefit everyone. Let’s be fully consenting individuals engaging in a mutually satisfactory embrace.

When there’s ambiguity about the status of our closeness, personal preferences for physical contact, and what type of hug we are about to engage in, the most common reaction is awkwardness.

I’m basing my hug on what you might want, but I don’t know how you feel, so there’s a whole lot of guessing going on.

The result is often a missed opportunity for a more fulfilling moment of closeness and connection.

Hugging Variables & Dynamics

I am a hugger. Generally, I love a deep, tight squeeze.

I think something about the pressure calms my nervous system. It’s like a weighted blanket, reequilibrating my oxytocin, cortisol, and serotonin levels for greater ease.

And I recognize that this type of hug is not appropriate for everyone or in every situation.

A hug that might help me feel more secure and settled might make you feel more anxious or insecure. This is why we need to examine the art and science of hugging.

Below I try to name many of the hugging variables to consider before embosoming another individual.

Reasons For Hugging

• Social norm/convention for saying hello or goodbye

• Peer pressure — others in the group are giving hugs

• Acknowledging a longstanding relationship

• Implying a desire to make the relationship deeper or more loving

• Needing physical touch

• Sexual attraction/desire

• Warmth

• Needing to be consoled/soothed

• Intimacy that cannot be represented in any other way

• Safety from other people nearby
  

Bodily Reaction: The Hug-Intimacy-Contact Continuum

• Both bodies relax into the hug; it’s consensual, cocreated, and supportive. (The gold standard in my opinion.)

• One body fully relaxes; the other tenses. (Awkward.)

• Both bodies remain tense/on guard. (Why are we hugging, again?

• Any degree of opening or closing along the continuum

  • This might be based upon conscious decisions about what is appropriate.

  • It might be based upon subconscious neuroception** of safety.

    • **The term "Neuroception" describes how neural circuits distinguish whether situations or people are safe, dangerous, or life-threatening.

  • There might also be movement along the continuum during the hug itself in which an initial tense slowly opens into a more relaxed embrace.
    

Possible Baggage Around Hugging

• Personal space infraction

• Trauma history where is touch is triggering

• Awkwardness —> general catch-all for insecurity and uncertainty

• Unwanted sexual overtones

• Cleanliness/Disease transmission

• Smell —> attraction/aversion

• Power dynamics —> dominating/infantalizing

• Height differences —> disparities making relative head/arm placement weird

• Cultural taboos —> High-contact vs low-contact culture.
  

Hugging Mechanics

• Arms: One arm or two?

• Duration: how long do you hold the embrace?

• Pressure: type of physical contact?

  • Patting vs squeezing

  • How hard do you apply pressure?

• Words: do you say anything or remain silent?

• Positioning:

  • Side, back, frontal twist, full-frontal

  • Arms at shoulders, chest, or waist?

  • Do you have a default arm and head configuration?

• Additional contact: eye contact, cheek kissing, hand touch, pelvic contact?

This list is by no means exhaustive.

It is a starting point for deeper examination and discussion of what it means to hug well.

Conscious Contact: The Mindful Hug

What’s the point in writing all this?

To make hugging safe and mutually beneficial for all bodies, cultures, relationships, and situations.

To accomplish this I think we actually need to change the question from “Should I give you a hug” to “Are you interested in hugging?”

This shifts the hug from a transactional give-take to a mutual act of being together. The shift from a noun to a verb, from a hug to hugging.

Subtly shifting the language helps place the emphasis on the shared experience of “holding one another’s wholeness while fully inhabiting that blink of existence.”

Borrowing from the teachings of the late monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, hugging itself can be a meditation if you do it with conscious intent:

Before hugging, stand facing each other as you follow your breathing and establish your true presence. Then open your arms and hug your loved one.

During the first in-breath and out-breath, become aware that you and your beloved are both alive; with the second in-breath and out-breath, think of where you will both be three hundred years from now; and with the third in-breath and out-breath, be aware of how precious it is that you are both still alive.

This might be a little too fluffy for some, but you get the point. Hug with all your body, spirit, and heart.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a polite, distanced, side-hug. Just make your hug a conscious choice.

Choosing and communicating are key. It can be a mindful moment if it is consensual and clear.

Conscious hugging is a moment to acknowledge that we’re here; you’re real; we’re alive.

Of all the places we could be right now, and all the things we could be doing, we’re choosing to do this — hugging.